why we’re all going to end up being terrible fathers

Maybe its cause I come from a home that did not have a father present to show me the ropes. Perhaps that’s why I am generally considered a poor excuse of a human being. I didn’t get “the talk” or learn important lessons like, pretending to let your girlfriend win all arguments then turn turning around and doing whatever you wanted in the first place. Or, that all the real ones know that al pastor tacos, not their carne asada second cousins, are the gem of your local taqueria. Whatever it may be, I had to learn those things on my own and I am all the worse for it.


Recently, I have been binge watching Dragon Ball Super, because when you work from home and need something to do besides thumbing feverishly through Yelp for your next food fix, a bit of newish nostalgia can work wonders for your disposition. What came readily apparent, was what I always suspected as a kid when I looked in the distant forlorn eyes of Gohan and Trunks. Goku and Vegeta are the worst dads in cartoon history, and will be responsible for a generation of horrible fathers who grew up watching their blunders.


Question: How many Saiyan’s does it take to save the world? Answer: One if they decide to just go full into “Cleveland LeBron’s v. Detroit Pistons, Game 5” mode from the very beginning. Honestly, how many times has Goku or Vegeta had the opportunity to snatch a villain’s life from them, like LeBron snatched that MVP from Steph; but let them off the mat under the guise of testing their strength?




  • New Freeza is on verge of destroying Earth, after putting the debo-esque smack down on Gohan (who is out of shape, after deciding that being a nerd was more important than continuing his training, despite living in the most dangerous planet/universe ever, another example that school doesn’t teach you necessary life skills)


  • Bulma: Hey, Vegeta why don’t you and Goku squad up like the 2011 Miami Heat and decimate this guy?


  • Vegeta/Guku: Lol, nah we good fam.


  • Freeza proceeds to take out her grudge against Goku in a way that felt as personal as Kobe Bryant putting 81 on Jalen Rose (don’t block me on the Twitters for this Jalen, please)


So in a span of a few moments, they recognize their children are in danger of being killed, but decide their pride is more important. They are for all intents and purposes playing high stakes poker with their kids. That would be akin to LeBron James spotting the Warriors three games in the finals, just so he can prove to the city of Cleveland how much of a demi-god he is. Which by the way would be the most G move since ever, so I really hope that’s what happened. Since the reality of Klay and Steph turning into cold shooting, turnover prone, Monstar talent robbed shells of themselves is not nearly as interesting. But anyways… WHAT ARE WE TEACHING OUR YOUTH, WITH EXAMPLES LIKE THEM?!


Goku and Vegeta are quite possibly the most selfish characters we deem to be stalwart heroes, in the history of television. How many birthdays of his kids has Goku missed training with King Kai or being off on some other fools errand? How many lives were lost because Vegeta decided to take part in the Majin Buu resurrection tour just for a chance to be stronger than Goku?


Which makes me look at the parents who raised us. How could you all let us consume this drivel? How could you let our young impressionable minds be imprinted by two guys long on brawn and short on brains? You have essentially guaranteed that everyone in my age group will end up committing small-time capers for a living, while skipping out on child-support payments. Forever feeding the fodder of GOP types who want to blame lack of fathers in the household for the ills that befall communities of color (instead of you know, historical racist constructs built into the very fabric of the government that limit opportunities and result in conditions of desperation that are breeding grounds for crime, violence, and lack of economic progress). There’s no spirit bomb big enough that can save us from this impending calamity, this clear and present danger. This is a generation lost and even the dragon balls could not reverse our fortunes


Jotham can be found practicing funny faces in the mirror in the hope that his face will freeze in place like mom always told him it would, or @JothamKitara